It hurts, what you say...


Good communication is the cornerstone of all human relationships. It's such an important building block that it needs to work right from the start. Even if there is attraction, incredible chemistry, and similar interests, if the parties cannot talk about their feelings, difficulties, and inner happenings, the relationship will go downhill over time. And the more pain partners cause each other with their words or unspoken thoughts, the harder it will be to bring the relationship back to a livable level where different points of view can meet in the middle.

In this area as well, the experience of the past, the package that we brought with us from our parents' house, comes back, as it is largely this learned pattern that will move us in the current relationship. If the parents swept the problems under the carpet and built walls between each other, then there is a good chance that we will choose this way of coping. /Avoidance strategy/ If one parent communicated everything that bothers him in an 'aggressive' manner, and the other, as a victim, quietly listened while his self-esteem was trampled into the mud, then it will be natural for us too if our partner communicates everything that hurts him in a raised voice. /Overcompensation and giving up ourselves/ Neither strategy is salutary, does not support the relationship, it simply destroys it.

I had only one thought in the past few days: Why don't people learn from the mistakes of the past? Why does the same scenario play out so many times? Why do they react to problems in the same way, why do they believe that everything that has destroyed so far it will build the future? Why do they live in the illusion that over time the partner will tolerate the incorrect communication and there is no need to change? In my opinion, not a single relationship could be saved and brought up from the bottom of the well without the partners doing some inner work, facing themselves, and honestly wanting to fix the problems. Obviously, the use of the old, proven method of communication gives a kind of 'security', we already know it, what to expect, how the partner will react, and how we can absolve from ourselves of responsibility again and again. A new strategy can be risky, we may have to look in the mirror and we may not like what we see. It is possible that we will see the dark side of ourselves, and it can be painful for us. But this process allows us to accept within ourselves everything we didn't want to be aware of until now, and we can start working on it. If both parties have the sincere love, the desire to be able to look in the same direction, to have a common vision for the future, then these can be realized with constructive communication and mutual respect.

Self-awareness questions: How do you communicate about that bothers you, what techniques do you have? What feedback do you get from those around you regarding your communication? Do you listen, consider these thoughts? If you know deep down what your weakness is, what is stopping you from changing?

Felicity Sheer